It's a long, hard road out of hell

*yawns* Bored. I've been working on new songs but they don't seem to be going anywhere. My desk is full of papers, I swear I must have gone through an entire pad of paper. Think if the trees! *laughs* What's everyone up to?

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I likes a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I likes a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then theres those other things
Which for several reasons we wont mention
Everything about em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

Its not very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental valiums
Cant expect the world to be your raggedy andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of lesson in tightropes
Or surfing your high hopes or adios kansas

Its not very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still theres not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
Im just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish
A little bit tower of pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if Im a mess

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
Cigarettes and chocolate milk

He was curled up on their bed, his head tucked so far underneath his arms that he was struggling to breathe properly. His body shook slightly but he tried to ignore it just as he tried to ignore the want for coke, smack, anything that would bring him that blessed void so that he didn't have to think about it anymore. He knew it was stupid, he knew it was damn well fucking foolish and yet that didn't stop him from trying, not once, but twice.

The first time hadn't worked, he'd gone home, forgotten about it, gotten on with his life, which was going well even if he said so himself. He was married, Willem was here, he had his family whom he loved more than life itself. But it was like a scab, like a cut in the roof of your mouth that you knew you shouldn't touch because it'd hurt but you kept doing it over and over again anyway for reasons you couldn't quite explain.

He didn't know why but he needed to know.

So he'd gone again. It hadn't entirely worked, he was a Muggle and those that knew how to do it properly weren't really disposed to working with Muggles in Wizarding London. What he'd gotten however had been...eye opening, earth shattering to the extent that he could admit it to himself. He still hadn't told his family, couldn't. But he realised now, as he lay curled there that eventually the time would come when he'd have to. It wasn't right keeping something like that from them. What did it matter anyway? It was nearly twenty fucking years ago and he was clean now. He was clean.

He rubbed his eyes and yawned, trying to stave off the emotioned that bubbled and welled in him. What good would it do? It would just worry his family even more than he was obviously doing and yet he couldn't stop.

Caz fiddled nervously with his suit - as a rule he hated wearing formal dress, it made him itchy and ache to get out of it the second he put it on. This was no exception, but the realisation that he soon would be married and this was a necessity made him pause for thought and then grin a little. Married...who'd have ever thought it (well he would have once, but he refused to think on that just now) and within a couple of hours too.

Sweep moved behind him and pressed his hand on top of Caz's to still them, pressing a kiss to his neck; "Stop fiddling, you look wonderful," he murmured in his ear, looking more at ease in a suit than his boyfriend.

"What if I...?" he started but Sweep cut him off with a deep kiss that he drew out purposely.

When Caz awoke Willem was staring at him intently, bouncing a little in his seat. He rolled on to his side and yawned, rubbing his face and groaning slightly. He brought his watch to his face and groaned loudly; "Ugh, sorry kid, meant to be up before now." He wrinkled his nose and rubbed his beard, yawning again.

Caz's face broke into a wide grin as he caught sight of that familiar mop of hair in between a crowd of other boys of a similar age. One boy broke away as deep eyes met each other and his arms swung out wide to grasp the smaller male, pulling him into a hug; "Hey, little man."

"Hey, Daddy," Willem's face broke into a familiar grin as he hugged his dad just as tightly, Caz's hands habitually moving to Willem's t-shirt, pulling it down from where it had ridden up. As soon as he'd been given custody he'd gone out and gotten a smaller version of the t-shirts that had just been printed, the Road to Ruin logo proud and bright white against the stark contrast of the black cotton.

It had made him the envy of his friends at school, they weren't that famous outside of New York City but inside almost everyone knew them, and the fact that Willem was the son of the lead singer meant he had no failure of people wanting to be with him. Though it wouldn't have mattered if his dad was famous or not, the sheer charisma of the boy would have saw him made one of the popular kids almost immediately and the fact he had a big heart too meant that few people got left out if he could help it and he was always coming home with stories to tell.

( More under here )

*just after Caz and Nessa break up*

( Hate me today, hate me tomorrow... )

*written in a paper journal*

22nd April 2000

Nessa told me she was pregnant today.

She said she was keeping it, even though I'm fucked up.

I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet - one minute I was talking about Tina's marriage proposal (more about that later) and then she was telling me that she was pregnant. It's mine...well of course it's mine, who's else would it be? She's known for a couple months now, and yet she didn't tell me before. Maybe she just didn't know how I'd take it, hell I still don't know how I'm taking it. I think I'm actually happy...who'd have thought. Me. Happy? Or maybe she didn't want to admit it to herself. She said it best, it's fucking surreal.

Got such a fucking headache. Got shit in my jacket but I don't think I want to take it. Maybe I will when the headache or the shakes get too bad - so fucking cold yet it boiling in here.

Gotta tell Sweep, he's gonna love it, he's always wanted a kid even though he's never said it out loud. It's there in his eyes every time one walked by...that longing. I think most people in the world have that longing to procreate. I wonder if I have that longing... I wonder if it's possible to make my kid as fucked up as me without even trying? I'm so fucking scared about that. I don't want it to happen, but what if it's in my blood to be a fuck-up? What if I pass it on? Nessa said my kids would be amazing but what if they're not?

Nessa also said that Tina might try and get accidentally on purposely pregnant. She actually asked me to marry her last night. Ring and everything. She got down on one.fucking.knee and I didn't even answer her... I just looked wide-eyed and went upstairs. That still hasn't sunk in yet. She didn't talk to me when I left this morning, I think she's still waiting for an answer. She ain't going to get one because I don't WANT her. I don't LOVE her. Why does she have it in her skull that I DO? I mean I don't THINK I lead her on...

Can hardly see to write now so I'm going to sign off.

~ Caz.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeessaaaaaaaaaaa....

Come play with me? *grins*